woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
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I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Cardio Made Easy
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens