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Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows