[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
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Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days