What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
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Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.