Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
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A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.