Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
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PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.