taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
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Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*