My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
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No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
i now pronounce you bounced.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.