(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
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[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
LMAO
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open