OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
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Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?