Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
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Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?