When someone says you are so lazy
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A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps