Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
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Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.