You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
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5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
I am patiently waiting for your email
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once