scrolling on my phone (in the bad way)
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accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
dutch so unserious
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast