Every day I log onto this website, see four of the strangest sentences ever written, and then go about my day. The long term effects of this on the human brain are unknown.
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Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
This is not me but this is me
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily