13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
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I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.