One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
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I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings