My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
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this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
#catsoftwitter
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.