I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
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I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I saw nothing
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.