I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
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somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.