Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
You Might Also Like
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.