*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
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I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Rather alarming headline…