Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
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Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
sigh
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing