What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
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People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
this is how life feels
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.