My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
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Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
greetings!
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.