God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
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Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.