If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
You Might Also Like
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
congratulations to them
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
LOL!