“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
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As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Important
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two