Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
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You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?