If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
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me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
I saw this ending much differently.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
🤣
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly