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[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay