[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
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Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
I hope Alan is OK
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.