my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
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It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.