Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
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I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone