Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
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i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.