If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
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you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*