bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
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I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Well, this is awkward
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on