Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
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The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Not today. 😅
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?