If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
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[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!