Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
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I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets