I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
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My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?