I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
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I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
This a good idea
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.