Many hands make light work
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It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
A small tragedy.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”