The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
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Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
water it, i dare you
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I’m not proud
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her