Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
You Might Also Like
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Hey! This isn’t my car!
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.