If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
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{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Google assistant rules
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”