Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
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i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.