I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
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KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
😆this is so true
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Stop making fast and furious movies.