Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
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There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim